Just so you know, Janet is my biggest fan and my only regular reader. Which makes me like her more than I already do like her, if you know what I mean. If I like you already and then you like my writing and think I'm funny, it's like dousing the friendship with gasoline and dropping in a lit match. It is a "friendship accelerant" in the same way that a CD mix and a back rub are a sexual accellerant. Except in the friendship thing no one gets naked. Usually.
Anyhow. Janet, who has already lived nine lives and is currently carving out life number ten, was telling me how the intern in her office, a recent college graduate, said that he did not have a very big vocabulary. So Janet suggested they have a word of the day. Now keep in mind that Janet is in what should be her retirement years and is often turned out in a crisp linen shirt and khaki capri pants. So when you hear the rest of this story just hold tight to that image. Her first word of the day for the young Intern was "impeccable". The Intern did not know the meaning of "impeccable" so Janet provided him with the following definition: Impeccable means that something can no longer be divided. And just to be thorough Janet provided the etymology of "impeccable": the word derives from the time when we were still an agrairian society. When a grain had been pecked by domestic fowl to the point where it could no longer be pecked, ie the grain was too small to be further divided it was called "impeccable" from the latin root, pecare. God I love this woman. Because I make up fake words too, so when I told her the definition of cantilever was a guy who is pussy whipped she paused for about 3 seconds before laughing. Three seconds and no explaination required on my part. Janet then relayed the following story that was the intended subject of my previous blog but never got around to because I got distracted, and I will presently relay, but I need to give you some background information.
Janet's son Clark (which is a totally gay name by the way) is gay and lives in Paris. I KNOW. Let's not state the obvious. Anyhow he and his partner flew to California last weekend to take the matrimonial plunge. An old friend of the family from London had also flown in for the celebrations. She is a writer named Anne or something, and Janet keeps wanting to put me in touch with her, but London seems like a total Ghost of Christmas Past at this point which makes me really depressed because all of my London friends except one have utterly abandoned me. That's not true, one full friend has stayed in regular touch and about 4 friends have only half abandoned me because they call or e-mail occasionally. But the ones who have totally abandoned me (I seem to be getting farther and farther away from the Janet story, but I'll get there eventually) I hope they rot in one of the mildly uncomfortable Aligherian rings of hell but not one of the really bad ones, and only for about half and hour, 45 minutes tops, because I love them anyway and understand the whole out of site, OOM thing. So this London writer friend was talking about Sing-A-Long Sound of Music which you can see at The Prince of Wales Cinema off Leicester Sq. It's one of the things that I never got around to doing in the 12 years I lived in London and if I ever get back there I vow I might get around to it or not. But I will definitly look up Janet and Clark's friend Anne or Mary or Jane? I think it is Jane, because she was talking about the scene where Mother Superior calls Fraulein Maria a cunt face. That's right, a cunt face. Apparently it is in the scene where MS asks FM to be brought to her after FM has been in seclusion after running away from her governess post, or rather was chased off by that snooty, jealous Baroness beeyatch in the marvelous red dress, and MS is asking why FM has left and FM is saying she can't go back toThe Von Trapp's because she is all muddled up about being a nun in training and wanting to jump Christopher Plummer's Weiner Schnitzl while Hitler is anschlusing the Ostereich (that O should have an oomlaut over it, btw) And then Mother Superior says: "Maria, my child, what is it you can't face?" But you have to say it with that faux British accent that American movies substitute for any kind of foreign accent, except for French accents, we seem to at least take a stab at doing the French accent. So try it now with the faux British accent, say it aloud: Maria, my child, what is it you can't face?
Cunt wait to see it again.