Saturday, 23 February 2008

Crack 'n Go

I'm usually a pretty proactive person. I like big complex projects that I can rub my brain up against. But when it comes to filling up the tank, I'm rather passive. I usually wait 'till the orange light comes on. And that can be anywhere.

So I'm in an unfamiliar part of town. The pay-at-the pump thingy was not working (maybe this should have been clue, I dunno) so I saunter into the shop to pay for my gas, and while I am waiting I have the opportunity to look around at what's on offer. I can shop anywhere. It's what I'm good at.

As my eyes rove over the myriad selections I suddenly hook up a bunch of visual dots:

1. Pipe screens, on the left:
2. Small zip-lock baggies, in the center;
3. Razor blades, on the right.


Perhaps this establishment caters to older pipe-smoking gentlemen. The kind who like to save and organize small items such as buttons or pieces of string. Charming and endearing old men who use ivory handled Old-Skool shavers.

Monday, 11 February 2008

What I Have Discovered About Myself In The Process of Trying To Buy a Car

What I have discovered about myself in the process of buying a car is that there are three distinct voices in my head that want to “help” me.

[Yes, I am bonkers but not in THAT way. My pathology makes the tiniest of blips on the clinical radar.]

The Voices are:
[you have to say it really fast], Manicgirl does not have time to give herself a proper name, which is a good thing because she is lacking in any form of inner censor and would probably choose something naff like Roxie. Her interests are: [much] younger men, talking incessantly, brainstorming, accessorising, smoking, shopping, exclaimation points!!! and fender-benders.

Arch-martyr Penny chose her Homerian name herself, as she strongly identfies with long-suffering regal heroines . Her interests are: hyper-vigilence, ruminating, predicting negative outcomes and sighing audibly and saying "Nothing..." when asked what is wrong.
Named for the country from which the type-face takes its name, Helly tries not to get too involved in Pen & MG's dramas. Her interests are: reading, writing, film, photography, contemporary art and culture, yoga, coffee houses, giggs.
Alas, Manicgirl has found a car. She is very action oriented (but notsogood on R&D), and while driving around smoking and drinking a quadrupal latte with an extra shot happened upon the PERFECT vehicle to suit her transportation needs:

The tag price is only $900.00 for this 1973 beauty. The fact that the sign in the window reads "As is" and "Runs Good" do not arouse any uneasiness in Manicgirl that the average consumer might feel. She's got 900 bucks and is ready to to close. Of special interest and amusement to her is how the car runs. The columnar gear shift is sooooo retro, and when put into D for Drive there is a momentary polter before the gears actually engage followed by a rather sporty lurch. MG finds this hysterical. "Perfect" she says, "I'll take it."

But not so fast: Penelope is NOT HAPPY, which is par for the course for her, but she bypasses sighing loudly to get her say in before it is too late. Penny likes that it is a Merc, but not THAT Merc. Besides, she thinks one ought not to drive oneself if one can help it. She wants this:

A Lincoln Town Car with driver.

Helvetica is assimilating these two very different views. Ideally Helly prefers public transportation (see previous blog, Leaving The Big Smoke) but under the circumstances she knows that living in Oklahoma City without a car is not really viable. So, if she must get a car then she would like something along the lines of this:

This is an electric car made in the UK. Great lines, easy on the Earth, fully pimpable, practically fits in your handbag. And you can order it online, and the postman will bring a big box to your frontdoor. No congestion charge if you live in London, which is a huge bonus.
And it is soooo quiet. Like, really you would only hear it if it rolled over an empty Evian bottle or some other thing in the road like a pedestrian who didn't hear you coming.